January 29, 2013

• Practicing Hashtags at My Kids’ Expense

  Last night I left our daughter home alone for a bit, while her brother was across the street at a friend’s house. I had been gone for about an hour and was at my last stop before returning home when I received this text:

  Brother is here now. I’m not really comfortable watching him. Can he go back to his friend’s house?

  HAHAHAHAHA! Uhhhh…..NO. I responded as such, and told her I’d be home in 2 minutes anyway. She wasn’t happy to hear that, either. It seems the girl was enjoying her quiet time. #solitudediva

  Tonight, I left the two of them home for 5 minutes while I ran to get pizza down the street. He was supposed to be typing an e-mail assignment to his teacher at the kitchen table and she was reading a book on the couch in the family room. #normanrockwell

  When I returned, she was still reading, but he was lying on his back on the carpet nearby. He had his footy pajama covered feet straight up in the air, while the iPad hovered high above his face and his body rolled from side to side.

  “Mommy, when you have to go out again while I am supposed do be doing homework, do NOT leave me with her!” When I asked why, he said, “Because she was being sooooo distracting and annoying!”

  Yeah, I’m sure her reading is what caused you to get up from your seat and engage in fleecy floor acrobatics. #boyelectricity

  After dinner, I was busy doing a bunch of things in the kitchen and he had more homework to get done, including a spelling pretest and multiplication flash cards. I decided to put the big sister to work quizzing him. #childlabor

  First was spelling, where she had to make up sentences to go along with the words. She used every opportunity to mock him, as you might imagine.

  “Annoy. You annoy me, every single day.”

  “Voyage. My brother took a voyage upstairs to poop.”

  “Moisten. You should moisten your nasty legs with some moisturizer.”

  “Embroider. My brother has no idea what it means to embroider.”

  You get the gist. #educationalinsults

  Next it was on to timed multiplication flash cards. A little background info – doing these flashcards with our daughter two years ago was about the most hellish after school experience I have had as a mom. It did not come easily and it was her #snottyattitude that made it so awful.

  Our son is only on his 4th day of doing these and he is doing quite well. He’s more of a math whiz, she’s more of a word whiz, as you can tell from the spelling pretest. #drymomhumor

  When he was given 12 x 9, he hesitated. He was calculating the answer in his head. #mentalmath

  In that same scenario two years ago, she was humming tunes inside her head and deciding what form of hissy fit she was going to throw at me for making her do these stupid flashcards. #mentaltantrum

  In a highly characteristic and dramatic display of impatience with her brother, she enacted a series of three lengthy, loud, fake yawns. He was so distracted that he started arguing with her about the yawning and was losing precious seconds on his timed math practice. #tigermom

  I bitched, they moved on, the buzzer went off. Next thing I know, the daughter is fake crying and real laughing — it seems that her exaggerated pseudo yawn caused her to pull some muscle where her tongue and throat come together with the back of her cheeks and ears. You can’t make this stuff up, I tell you. #educationalinjury, #karma, #dangerousdrama

  I was of course terribly concerned and suggested that she perform and elaborate series of movements as a treatment for her injury. #mommockery

  I had her wrap her hands around her cheeks, put her wrists together, push her chin to her chest, and blow as loudly as she could. The resulting wet fart noises had her brother laughing so hard I was afraid he would pull a muscle, too. #playingtomyaudience

  I finally sent her upstairs with a frozen yogurt tube to ice her wounds and leave us alone for the last portion of his homework. #torturebythirdgrade

  Done. FINALLY. They are both in bed. #popthecork

  • 9:29 pm
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